smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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