I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
