I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
