Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
MIDGETS
????
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
