Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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