3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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