i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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