No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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