In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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