So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
