I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
