Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
