she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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