Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
