There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
