FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize