No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
