I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Come on in and take your pants off
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