I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
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