My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
