I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
