Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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