who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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