Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's blow job season.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
