theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
