I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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