i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
