my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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