Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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