Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
