i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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