I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
