what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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