remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
