The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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