lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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