remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
