from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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