I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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