..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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