WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
