I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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