How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
