haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
