I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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