Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
