I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
