it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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