So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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