when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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